I had the great privilege of attending a Shakira concert last night and I have some comments for some of the concert attendees about their fashion choices.  Quick disclaimer: for those of you who may have seen me rocking khaki pants, black converse and an oversized yellow polo with the words “STAFF-PRO” printed boldly on the back, and may be thinking “who the fuck are you to criticize?  You looked like 90’s punk meets blue collar dyke,” I must remind you that I was participating in a rugby fundraiser and had no choice in the matter. 

That said, my first comment is for the ladies.  I understand that you’re at a Shakira concert.  You are Hispanic and fabulous and you want to be sparkly.  But if I can HEAR your outfit coming around the corner of a crowded arena when you are more than 20 yards away, it has too much fandangle.  You are a walking wind chime and you are ridiculous.  Perhaps just one or two strands of shiny gold medallions per shirt next time.  Less is more ladies, less is more. 

To the men folk: I know that your chest was just waxed and you benched today so your pecs would be “swoll” in case you got on the jumbo screen tonight, but when you are rocking a shirt that is unbuttoned all the way to below your navel, you don’t look hot, you look like a douche bag.  Also, you look gay.  I wouldnt normally bring that up as a negative point, but I’m pretty sure only about 10% of you were going for “gay” when you got dressed for the concert, and I thought you’d like to know.  And to the gentleman who was wearing the red collared shirt and turquoise cowboy boots, the WWF called and they want their championship belt buckle back.  My Spanish vocabulary is not developed enough to tell you everything wrong with your outfit, and frankly, neither is my English vocabulary.   

Finally, to Shakira: I never realized this before, but you are smokin’ hot.  Sorry that your fans are such an incredible pack of tools.  Please overlook my yellow polo and call me.