Dear Radio Morning Show Hosts (particularly of the hip-hop persuasion),

I don’t like you and you don’t like me.  You are higher on my list of “pet peeves” than personalized license plates, Ashlee Simpson, dogs in purses, and the phrase “pet peeves”.  In my opinion, your job places you on a lower rung of society than say, the guy responsible for scraping puke off an arena floor after a metal concert. 

You don’t like me because I’m not, 1) under the age of 14, 2) working a menial office job, chuckling at your zany antics and eagerly awaiting my next opportunity to call and win a family four pack of movie tickets, or 3) unemployed.  I am therefore physically unable to find your show amusing, and frankly, the sound of your voice makes me want to choke a puppy.  We have no use for each other, and I wish I could leave it at that, but here’s the thing: I have this one morning shuttle shift that starts at 6:30am, I’m no longer allowed to hook up my Ipod to the bus stereo, and your stations seem to be the only ones that get reception.  So either I listen to your incessant rambling or careen off a bridge with a busload of passengers because I’ve fallen asleep behind the wheel.  It’s really a tough choice, and to be honest, death seems less painful to me, but there are all those UCSD kids to think of.  Therefore, I would appreciate it greatly if you would review the following criticisms and alter your show accordingly:

1)  You are not a cool, young black man.  You are white and pushing 35, probably with ill-advised facial hair that you spend hours shaving into a complicated design.  Stop with the lingo, and stop talking about the “hot club” you went to last night as if you were there to do something besides pass out bumper stickers near the entrance.  Everyone is laughing at you. 

2)  Stop making up your own versions to already atrocious pop songs.  Fergie’s solo career is tragic enough without you rapping about K Fed over the hook of “London Bridge”.  I know you must lament daily your inability to break into the hip hop biz like your hero Eminem, but that is not my fault and I’d appreciate it if you didn’t take it out on me. 

3)  It is unnecessary to “entertain” listeners with stories from your latest hot date.  No woman in her right mind accepts a date from a radio morning show host.  Remember the arena floor vomit scraper who is on a higher rung of society than you?  He is also more datable than you.  We know you’re a virgin.  Please stop lying. 

4)  Your name and the name of your show are ridiculous.  You do not broadcast from a “playhouse”, there is no “party” where you are, your weekly psychic and traffic guy are not a “crew”, and there is nothing “wild”, “hip” or “fresh” about you or your program.  Please remove these and all related words from your title. 

5)  Prank calls?  Really?  Have we snuck out of our tent at summer camp to be naughty at the payphones?

6)  Your callers are probably the only people alive who are dumber than you.  Please stop asking them to call so much.  If you could avoid in particular asking their advice on the problems of other listeners I’d really appreciate it.  People lost enough to call a radio station when in need of relationship advice become officially useless to society when they take to heart the wisdom of a stranger available to counsel them at 10am on a weekday.  Let’s not encourage people to suck at life.   

Thanks for your consideration. 

Sincerely,

Marea (reluctant long time listener, first time caller)