While up in the Bay Area for Christmas, I attended a party at the home of a few of my brother’s friends and eagerly attempted what I have come to consider the world’s most impossible task: initiating a satisfactory game of flip cup outside my bubble of ruggers. This was not the first time I had burdened myself with the responsibility of being the coolest kid at the party (which in this case unfortunately meant being “the intense girl who broke up a perfectly nice game of beer pong and ended up yelling at everyone”) with disappointing results, but I still managed to come away baffled by the ability of seemingly competent-at-life partygoers to so thoroughly ruin one of my favorite pastimes. 

When trying to start a spontaneous flip cup match among non-ruggers, the scenario always plays out the same: you usually manage to scrape up a small core of potential competitors who are at least moderately capable of sharing your enthusiasm for the sport.  You are so desperate to keep them in the game that you trip over yourself complimenting their “natural ability” and high-fiving their “impressive” five and six flip performances, though in truth, if you had even the most mediocre of your rugby friends with you, you’d have switched to Survivor to rid yourself of these weak links hours ago.  Once you’ve established your core, you spend the rest of the evening coercing passers-by into filling out the teams and begging confused drunks to stick around for more than a few minutes, elbowing them when it’s their turn since they have inevitably forgotten to pay attention to the game or even refill their cup after the last round.  When desperate for players, I often resort to talking a ridiculous amount of shit to whoever will listen since I’ve found that this is the best way to keep people, especially boys, in the game.  I figure if you can’t get them to commit to more than one round for love of competition, make them commit because they want to get back at you for what you just said about their slutty mom or their gay looking muscle-t.

I find the fact that I have to stoop this low to get people to participate in a game that promises to enrich their lives unacceptable and extremely frustrating.

Now you might be thinking, Marea, perhaps the best solution to your “problem” is to just stop being such a flip cup snob and play it for the sole purpose of getting hammered like the rest of America‘s youth.  Maybe you could even, you know, come to a party with a goal other than leaving as the undisputed champion of a drinking game that has managed to span hours.  You could perhaps do more in the way of getting dressed up than throwing on one of your “fancy t’s” and engage in friendly socialization with partygoers rather than goading complete strangers into competing with you by suggesting that their inability to properly flick a keg cup somehow correlates with their failure to pleasure a woman.

Well you know what I say to that?  That sounds like a load of LOSER talk to me.  And since I’m sick and tired of watching flip cup be disrespected outside my circle of friends (and decline in quality within my own team lately to be honest), I’ve gone ahead and written up some flip cup rules that if understood and heeded, would make all of our party going experiences much more meaningful:

1)  Never Leave the Table

I don’t care if your bladder is about to explode.  If you have committed yourself to a game, you don’t leave until it’s over.  Period.  Flip cup is not an activity that benefits from long pauses, nor is it an elaborate game of tag-team.  If a player must leave the table because of circumstances beyond his or her control (i.e. vomiting), a teammate must immediately volunteer to chug two so the game can continue uninterrupted. 

2)  Suck It Up And Flash Titty (Or Male Equivalent)

This is more of an in-house issue – I have enough trouble establishing interest in flip cup at a non-rugby party without trying to make strangers show their goods – but I think it deserves a mention . . . After much contemplation, here’s my official stance on knucks: it sucks.  It was a fun alternative for a while, but it just slows shit down and no one can ever think of good enough questions.  Again, I know what you’re thinking: But Marea, you’re a huge dyke!  You just want an excuse to ogle our boobs!  Here’s what I say to that: first of all, get over yourself, I’ve probably seen better.  Second, as any good flip cup competitor will tell you, during an intense game, breasts are not sexual objects, they are the gun shot that launches the sprinter, the equivalent of a kid at the other end of the playground screaming “ready…set…go!” to start a footrace.  I don’t care if you’re Lindsey Lohan (she’s supposed to have a nice rack, right?), if I’m emotionally involved in a game, I couldn’t pick your tits out of a lineup.  Flashing is only a big deal if you make it a big deal, and it’s a fucking rugby flip cup tradition.  Get over it.

And quickly, to the gents: flashing one of your tiny man nipples is not the same as flashing tits, though you all seem to think that this is a really funny joke.  Be a man and whip it out.

3)  Don’t Try To Make Flip Cup A Chugging Contest

In a proper game of flip cup, you fill your keg cup with light beer to the first line, approximately ¼ of the way up.  We drink this amount because we like to play multiple rounds rather than getting hammered after three turns and letting the game disintegrate into sloppiness.  If you want to have a fucking boat race, just say so, we’ll likely beat you at that too.  But flip cup is a finesse sport, and I’d appreciate it if people would stop trying to compensate for their lack of flipping skills and/or unimpressive penis size by suggesting we change it into something so unrefined.

4)  There Is No Excuse For Sucking

I hate to admit this kids, but while flip cup is indeed a rare and delicate art form, it’s not fucking hard.  And while my friends and I like to fancy ourselves endowed with unparalleled athletic ability, the truth is, we are amazing at flip cup because we play it every chance we get and are determined to be the best at even the most trivial of activities.  So sucking at flip cup is not an adequate excuse for declining my invitation to the table, it’s a life choice.  What I like to suggest to beginners is perhaps having a practice cup at the table in addition to your game cup so that you are constantly flipping, even when it’s not your turn.  Have some pride people.

5)  Have a Sense of Urgency!

Flip cup is only fun if you care.  If you’ve failed to flip your cup successfully on your first try, it is not a time to giggle or to whine about table surface inequities (see #4), it is a time to snatch up your cup and redeem thyself asap.  It’s best if you imagine yourself engaged in the most important and meaningful activity in the world, on par with competing in the Super Bowl or curing cancer.  

I’ve found that the students of UC Santa Barbara* have the most trouble grasping this concept, probably because on average they take about ten shots of hard alcohol before even leaving the house for a party, which greatly decreases one’s urgency to do anything (except hook up and torch couches apparently).  So I just want to give a quick shout out Amy and Maggie, two of my high school friends who attend that university but had quite a good showing at the Christmas party, making my experience a little more bearable.  I give myself full credit for their success of course.  The UCSB rugby team has also improved greatly in this respect so a shout out to you kids too.  But I digress. . .

6)  Utilize Both Hands

Seriously, this is just common sense.  If you’re using two hands, you’re flipping faster.  And if I see one more person place, then steady, then flip, then retrieve their errant cup the same way they would if they were an amputee or stroke victim, I’m going to have to give them a swift kick in the ass.

If you’ve managed to make it this far, thanks for listening.  I realize I’ve only touched on some of the possible rules and have intentionally left room for suggestions.  I welcome any other contributions that would help improve the nation’s overall performance at this wonderful game.  In any event, it would be nice to know I’m not alone…

*Corrections:
To avoid the controversy created by this blog when it was originally posted, let me just clarify that the shit talking about UCSB and my brother’s friend’s party EXCLUDES the UCSB rugby team, my brother and his friends, all of whom actually kick ass at flip cup. Obvi duh.