The cell phone law in California is fucking ridiculous.

I left right before it was enacted, so I apologize if this is not a very contemporary or edgy stance, but it’s ruining my life and I need to get it off my chest. I’m not saying that people talking on cell phones are good drivers. I’m happy to admit that the ass clown in the Jetta is probably driving 55 in the fast lane because she’s jabbering to her sorority sister about the intricacies of her latest Typhoon Saloon seduction rather than paying attention to the road, but let’s be real for a minute; a law that prohibits the use of cell phones without a headset rather than the use of cell phones altogether implies that talking-while-driving problems stem from the holding of a phone to one’s ear as opposed to the conversation itself. This is obviously absurd. When my bad driving is phone related it’s because I’m engrossed in my discussion on say, the hideousness of the personalized license plate in front of me – “Seriously, ‘2 Cute’? It’s like she’s begging us to comment on how ugly she is” – not because of the three ounce item in my left hand. It’s like banning driving while holding a beer can but allowing driving while intoxicated.

I like to use my driving time to catch up on my correspondence, get directions, or even order my deli sandwich en route, and this law is obstructing my freedom without actually solving any ass-clown-in-Jetta related problems. It is worthless and un-American. And the related surge of Bluetooth usage is turning us into a state of seeming schizophrenics.

My suggestion? Make a cell phone talking while driving road test. Put a few cones in a parking lot and see if Charlie Fake-Tan in the Beamer can brag about his golf game to twelve of his closest friends without hitting one. Take Mr. Pro-Life Sticker out on the freeway and see if he can maintain the speed of traffic and his creepy glower while simultaneously organizing next week’s Planned Parenthood protest. Can Lifted Truck With Waist-High Tires avoid hitting me on my bike while scheduling his penis enlargement surgery with his physician? A fail means no cell phone talking and driving for you, Bluetooth or not. Chances are we barely tolerate your presence on the roadways as it is. A pass means I can continue to bitch about the aforementioned drivers to my friends with phone in hand, pressed lovingly against my ear where it belongs. It’s time for some practical policymaking.

That’s my stance.