A quick disclaimer/confession:

I have not read any of the Harry Potter books, nor have I seen all of the movies. I know that to a die-hard Harry Potter fan, this makes me absolutely unqualified to make any commentary whatsoever about the blessed work of JK Rowling and the subsequent butchering and/or enhancement of her work by various movie directors (depending on which camp you’re from). And after Chowder yelled at me the other night when my criticism of Quidditch as a sport was based on a slight misunderstanding of the rules, something I would have known, “HAD I DONE SOME RESEARCH!”, I am feeling a little timid about sharing any opinions in the general realm of wizardry at the moment.

…BUT my mind is too active for sleep after tonight’s viewing of the Half-Blood Prince, so I’m going to write some thoughts about the film that are considerably more shallow than the “They cut characters!, They ruined the epic fight scene!, Harry wasn’t furious enough when Dumbledore died!” complaints that I had to hear from all you geeks (ahem…MO) after the movie got out. I apologize in advance for anything I say that is fundamentally inconsistent with the “facts”.

1) Could they make the magic wands just a touch thicker? I’m not usually one for phallic posturing, but seriously, they’re dueling to the death with those wands, not conducting symphonies. They look particularly pussy when they use them as flashlights. They remind me of those squeeze on lights that women attach to their key chains alongside their pepper spray as part of their anti-rape utility belt. If the prop team could try to strike a balance somewhere between chopstick and light saber I think they could really come up with something pretty badass.

2) When did Hogwarts turn into UC Santa Barbara? I know they’re a little more relaxed about booze and sex in England than they are in our puritan country, but this movie was like an episode of MTV’s Spring Break. I’m twenty-five years old and just got out of a program called AmeriCorps that prohibited me from drinking alcohol in my own home; Harry’s high school has a pub within walking distance and is allowing post-Quidditch keggers on campus. In one scene, Ron Weasly and his new gf (the ho of Gryffindor) are casually wandering the halls looking for a room to hook up in. Why is Harry Potter having more fun as a sixteen year old in Wizard school than I had in college? It’s so unfair! I’m not sure what snogging is but I’m pretty sure I want to be a part of it!

3) Does anyone else feel really bad for that raging homo Draco Malfoy? He’s always been a dick, but at least in the earlier movies he had a gang of followers to laugh at his snide comments and all the practical jokes he pulled on that sucker Potter. Now he’s just a friendless creeper in an undertaker’s suit who lurks about morosely like a member of the trench coat mafia, but without the mafia. Then he fails at killing Dumbledore, the one thing that would have given his life purpose, which really couldn’t have been that hard a task since Dumbledore is as old as dirt and it took Snape like twenty seconds to off him (also one of Mo’s chief complaints, albiet for different reasons). Harry has it rough with evildoers trying to kill him all the time but at least he has buddies and people to blow sunshine up his ass 24-7. What does Malfoy have? Prematurely white hair and a very unfortunate forearm tattoo.

4) I feel like this might be particularly controversial, but Harry’s kind of useless right? We’re always hearing about how important he is, but Hermione’s the one who comes up with all his good ideas, and there’s always someone else fighting his battles for him or saving his ass when he acts a fool. In a stressful situation, Harry is actually shockingly inactive; he really just excels at looking intensely concerned at all times. Again, I haven’t seen all the movies so maybe he magic spelled the shit out of someone with his pencil wand once and I just missed it, but I really need Harry to bitch-slap a bad guy and follow it up with an “Abracadabra motha fucka”-esqe one-liner before I buy him as the “Chosen One”.

5) Hermione’s hot, and I’m sorry if that makes me a pervert. I just googled her though and she’s totally eighteen years old so phew, I’m not a pedophile. I haven’t been this relieved since I googled Ellen Paige after watching Juno.

Can’t wait for number seven!

Which crush makes me creepier? I'll let YOU decide!