Introduction
Chapter 1: Combating Office Awkwardness
Chapter 2: The Fundamentals of Office Real Estate

Chapter 3: Tools of Forced Social Interaction – Mastering the 15 Second Conversation
You’re leaving the office down a narrow back stairwell, but this alternative to an awkward elevator encounter doesn’t go as planned.  Suddenly, another employee comes bounding down the stairs from the floor above you and you find yourself caught in a classic piggy back stair walk.  Do you continue down at the same pace, pretending your new companion isn’t a mere two steps behind you?  Do you slow down and hope they pass, risking an awkward shoulder to shoulder, synchronized descent?  You have 15 seconds of stairs to go; what do you say?

You’ve gone into the kitchen to fill your enormous water bottle and Nick, the sales guy whose open office door you pass three times a day on the way to the bathroom (?) enters.  Or maybe it’s Rod, the dev guy you email on a weekly basis but have never formally met (?) who walks in.  You seem to be blocking the vending machine where he gets his 3:00 daily fix of Blazin Hot Cheetos and your bottle is filling painfully slow.  Nick/Rod shuffles awkwardly, you smile apologetically.  15 seconds of pouring remains; what do you say?

 

In a large corporate office, you are often forced to spend approximately 15 seconds in uncomfortable silence with a coworker who:

1)  You know, but have absolutely nothing in common with.
2)  You should know or have perhaps met, but whose name or role at the company you have never deemed important enough to commit to memory. 
3)  Is a downright stranger who could be there stealing office equipment for all you know.

In these situations, it’s good to have an arsenal of generic conversation topics you can whip out to fill the silence.  Put your usual wedding, house party and first date banter on the shelf; this is not normal small talk! 

A successful 15 second conversation topic must fulfill the following criteria:

1)  It does not start a discussion that cannot be resolved in 15 seconds.

Poor Choice: “So Erica, tell me about yourself.”
Reason for Failure: Erica cannot finish this conversation in the time it takes her to wash and dry her hands after peeing.  Unless Erica wants to be rude, or seem like a terribly uninteresting person, she is forced to have a longer, echo-y conversation with you in the ladies’ room about her childhood, likes and dislikes. 

Good Choice: “This dispenser is always out of soap.”
Reason for Success: Now this is something Erica can work with.  She can end the conversation with one word: “Right?”  Or, if she’s feeling chatty, she can extend it: “Yeah, and you know, that first stall never has toilet paper!”  Either way, you don’t just stand there silently with the water running, avoiding eye contact in the mirror; you and Erica share a brief moment of mutual dissatisfaction over the quality of restroom maintenance and will both be back in the comfort of your cubes, instant messaging your actual friends, in no time.

2)  It must have the potential of extending longer than 15 seconds in case of emergency. 

Thought the Gmaps directions to the gay bar were going to be a quick print and grab?  Wrong.  Apparently Jim is also using company property for personal use and now you must hover behind him and play defense in case your evening plans pop out of the printer between what appears to be chapters of his novel.  This could take 15 seconds, but it may be more! 

Poor Choice: “How are you Jim?”
Reason for Failure: This seemingly open-ended, thoughtful inquiry actually has zero potential to extend beyond the 15 second interaction. In this situation, there is only one acceptable answer to your question: “Not too bad.” (Or similar variations such as “Pretty good” or “Can’t complain”).  You are not Jim’s therapist or Jim’s friend, and he knows that if the quality of his day falls somewhere outside the range of mediocre-to-fine, it’s best to just keep it to himself.  This intro will get maybe one sentence out of Jim – two if he adds an, “And you?” – but after that you’ll both just be standing there quietly hoping for a paper jam.

Good Choice: “Man, traffic was horrible today.”
Reason for Success: This subject can be covered in a few words or extended indefinitely as needed.  If Jim’s novel is nearly done printing, he can agree with you monosyllabically and jet.  If he’s still on the table of contents, he can easily delve into the details of his commute, freeway by freeway, bad driver by bad driver, until the job is complete.  Did weather play a role?  Is traffic slightly better if you leave ten minutes earlier?  Is the toll road worth the 4 bucks?  There is an endless array of shallow, related questions that can be broached and discussed at length until the interaction ends, none of which require Jim to divulge any awkward information about his feelings.

 3)  It must follow a set of universally agreed upon principles, avoiding controversy, depth and creativity. 

Bad Choice: “So the CEO is quite the dickhole eh?
Reason for Failure: You don’t matter enough to get fired over.  You barely matter enough to justify having this conversation. 

Good Choice: “Great/terrible weather today!”
Reason for Success: People who don’t generally think sunshine is awesome and rain sucks usually have the common sense to keep their weird, depressed minority opinion to themselves.  A trite, predictable comment about the status of the weather starts a conversation that will practically chat itself.

The Days of the Week: A 15 Second Conversation Staple
There is no better 15 second conversation topic than a day of the week.  One thing you can count on having in common with an office stranger is that given the choice, you’d both rather not be there.  When you work at an office, a calendar day and its proximity to the weekend comes with a universal set of meanings, intros and responses that lend themselves perfectly to the 15 second conversation. 

Below is a beginner’s guide to this easy to execute, go-to topic (ideal for lamination and cubicle hanging!)   Get in the habit of reviewing this grid before leaving your desk so as not to be caught off guard! 

 

Chapter Summary:
1) Uncomfortable office silences: they WILL happen to you!  Be prepared.
2) Arming your arsenal with the best weapons – 15 second conversation topic musts:
a. No more than 15 seconds required – you are toasting a bagel, not trying to filibuster. 
b. Can go into OT if necessary – you know what’s worse than an uncomfortable silence?  The uncomfortable silence that follows a failed conversation attempt.
c. As boring, predictable and inoffensive as the Family Circus. It is common office etiquette to send an Outlook invitation if you expect a coworker to think. 15 second conversations should be conducted on chit-chat auto-pilot.
3) When in doubt, calculate your distance from Monday and/or Friday. Comment accordingly.