Dear Chris Kluwe,

I’m so sorry to bother you.  As the unofficial spokesperson for tolerance in professional sports in the wake of the DOMA decision, and with your first book – Beautifully Unique Sparkleponies – hitting shelves last month, your dance card is undoubtably full.

But now that lesbian couples across the nation have been given the official thumbs up from the Supreme Court to act on their instinctual desire to rapidly nest, I know there’s not a moment to lose!  I’m certain that I’m not the first gay female to have this idea; I can only hope that I’m the first to ask:

Chris Kluwe, will you be our baby daddy?

Full disclosure: despite our recent ascent to the marriage-eligible caste of society, my girlfriend and I aren’t 100% ready to have a child.  We recently killed a rosemary bush, and not to brag or anything, but I’ve been told that’s basically an impossible task.  However, we do want babies someday (once we learn to avoid nervous overwatering), and I want to call dibs on your best swimmers before the line of newly married ladies gets too long.

Why you?  Well sir, you are listed at 6’4, and have a full head of flowing brown locks at the age of 31.  Lesbians have the luxury of superficiality when it comes to making decisions about the final ingredient in the baby cauldron, and we intend to take full advantage.

You’re also a professional athlete in one of my favorite sports and formally a Viking, which gets you huge points with my midwestern girlfriend.

You’re a punter, yet you dare to be an outspoken gay ally in the notoriously macho NFL locker room.  Not that I have anything against punters; it’s just worth mentioning that you are bravely vocal without the clout of a Tom Brady, or the terror-inducing characteristics of a Haloti Ngata. Your hilarious letter to homophobic state delegate Emmett C. Burns Jr. manages to be poignant whilst peppered with masterful phrases such as “lustful cock monster”.  All of this demonstrates to me that your DNA will help equip our baby with the courage, intelligence and humor he or she will need to one day endure public high school with two mommies.

Most importantly, with your genetic kicking abilities and my Dance Mom-like determination to have our child make up for my own shortcomings, we will produce a rugby flyhalf that will make Jonny Wilkinson look like a Las Vegas Showgirl.

You’re everything we’re looking for in a man!

We won’t ask anything else of you, Mr. Kluwe.  I know you already have a wife and two beautiful daughters of your own, and you’ll certainly have your hands full helping the Raiders get to more than four wins this year.  God knows I don’t want the charismatic, pro-athlete, biological father of our child hanging around undermining my status as paternal caregiver.

You’ve been such an outstanding advocate thus far; don’t you think that taking 5 – 10 minutes of your time to donate your superior features to a nice gay couple would be the ultimate demonstration of your support?

Don’t say no right away – just think it through.  We’ll continue to practice our nurturing skills on our garden until we hear back.

Hopeful in San Diego,

Marea (and Kristy)