Tag: Awkwardness

FUNdraising

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The thing is Cory, you caught me on the wrong day.  I’m not a huge fan of Christmas.  And I know that statement makes you want to say “bah humbug” and lightly squeeze my shoulder in a jovial, salesy way, but please save it.  I don’t mean it like that.  I’m not anti merriment or goodwill – I like taking off work to spend time with my family and justifying my over consumption of sweets just as much as the next guy – but I hate crowds, gaudy inflatable Santas, Mariah Carrey Christmas albums that refuse to die, and our perceived obligation as a culture to buy each other shit to prove our affection. 

I was at Fashion Valley begrudgingly participating in this most trying of seasons (which, if I may uncharacteristically side with the religious right for a second, I would be perfectly happy having Jesus be the “ONLY reason for”), when you came my way.

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The Office Handbook: A Guide for the Reluctant Corporate Employee – Chapter 3

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Introduction
Chapter 1: Combating Office Awkwardness
Chapter 2: The Fundamentals of Office Real Estate

Chapter 3: Tools of Forced Social Interaction – Mastering the 15 Second Conversation
You’re leaving the office down a narrow back stairwell, but this alternative to an awkward elevator encounter doesn’t go as planned.  Suddenly, another employee comes bounding down the stairs from the floor above you and you find yourself caught in a classic piggy back stair walk.  Do you continue down at the same pace, pretending your new companion isn’t a mere two steps behind you?  Do you slow down and hope they pass, risking an awkward shoulder to shoulder, synchronized descent?  You have 15 seconds of stairs to go; what do you say?

You’ve gone into the kitchen to fill your enormous water bottle and Nick, the sales guy whose open office door you pass three times a day on the way to the bathroom (?) enters.  Or maybe it’s Rod, the dev guy you email on a weekly basis but have never formally met (?) who walks in.  You seem to be blocking the vending machine where he gets his 3:00 daily fix of Blazin Hot Cheetos and your bottle is filling painfully slow.  Nick/Rod shuffles awkwardly, you smile apologetically.  15 seconds of pouring remains; what do you say?

Fig. 3.1. - It takes less than 15 seconds to say something completely regrettable.

 

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Gay and at the…Part II

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Gays are fascinating, mysterious creatures.  As a result, it can be difficult to view a gay and all of his (Or her?  Sometimes it’s so hard to tell!) extremely intriguing behaviors outside the context of his (her) sexual orientation.  For example, if you were to meet a well-dressed gay man named Neil, you probably wouldn’t think, “My, that individual Neil sure has an eye for fashion.”  Most likely you would think, “My, flaming homos such as Neil are so very stylish.”  You can’t help it.  It’s how our brains are wired.  

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The Office Handbook: A Guide for the Reluctant Corporate Employee – Chapter 2

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Introduction
Chapter 1: Combating Office Awkwardness

Chapter 2: The Fundamentals of Office Real Estate
To the untrained eye, every cubicle in a corporate office is identical. Three walls the color of dirty gym socks, mostly unused drawers stuffed with shit from the last twelve inhabitants, migraine-inducing florescent lights, the nicest desk chair and computer monitor you’ve managed to scavenge vulture-like from other recently abandoned cubicles; each is custom designed in the spirit of The Giver to dim memories of color, natural daylight, creativity, joy and other such luxuries that may cause you to wonder about the world outside of the community between the hours of 9 and 5. You may hang up pictures of your baby and/or puppy, important looking documents marked with highlighter, comic strips about sad cartoon characters who also work in a cubicle, or, if you’re an Active employee, the bibs from every 5K you’ve ever “competed” in, but most would agree that even these sad suggestions of personality are not enough to distinguish one cube from the other three that share its dingy walls. Cubicles, with their drab sameness, in their tidy little rows, appear to be the great equalizer, the Levittown of the work world.

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Gay and at the…

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I lead a pretty charmed life for a homosexual. You’d think it would be all separate water fountains, bar raids, and Eminem-led assaults on my character, but as a resident of a liberal state who has surrounded herself with a buffer of likeminded individuals her whole life, I have been largely untouched by discrimination. Even my stint in Middle America happened to coincide with Iowa’s legalization of same-sex marriage and my affiliation with a program called AmeriCorps that was shockingly gayer than a women’s rugby team.

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An Old One (Circa Summer 2006): Wardrobe Malfunction

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Today, against my better judgment, I decided to go dress shopping all by myself.  Some background: my aunt is getting married on Sunday, and after a few unsuccessful attempts at shopping with my girlfriend who, frustrated with my indecisiveness, disdain for all things polka dotted (polka dots, as it turns out, are very in), and refusal to “suck it in” while trying on clingy fabrics, finally just stuck me in the tried and true dressy dyke outfit – khaki pants and a white collared shirt. 

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procrastinating…

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As many of you know, I’m graduating this quarter, and all week I’ve been getting sentimental about my college career coming to an end.  Case in point: I actually teared up at the gym this morning when I realized that I was probably doing my last on campus workout ever.  So, as a tribute to all the good times I’ve had – getting over my chubby phase, rehabbing the chicken leg, Operation 10lbs. – I just wanted to give some quick goodbye shout outs to my favorite Rimac regulars who were there through it all.  (Ok if we’re being honest, I didn’t get that emotional, I’m just avoiding writing a paper, so please indulge me.  I know all you kids are procrastinating on “The Book” right now too, so this one’s for you, slackers.)         

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