1. The Radio Traffic Report

Delivering a traffic report in Southern California is like telling a person being tortured, “Hey, you’re being tortured!  Specifically, you’re being waterboarded, and it appears you’ll continue to be waterboarded for the next forty five minutes!”

You would never give a bus report notifying riders that “The 34 has standing room only this afternoon, and smells faintly of vomit!”  Stating the obvious to a powerless audience is unnecessary and mean spirited.

When I’m sitting at a dead stop on the freeway, I don’t need to be told that “traffic is sticky through the Golden Triangle.”  It’s 5:30 PM on a weekday and it’s raining.  The Golden Triangle looks like a scene from an apocalyptic movie where everyone is fleeing a burning city at the same time.  Just like yesterday.  There is no need to call the futility of my situation to my attention every fifteen minutes.

I hate you slightly less than morning show DJs.

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