Introduction
Chapter 1: Combating Office Awkwardness
Chapter 2: The Fundamentals of Office Real Estate
Chapter 3: Tools of Forced Social Interaction – Mastering the 15 Second Conversation

Chapter 4: Rules of Engagement – Mastering the Passive Aggressive Email

Remember in the 5th grade when your teacher paired you with the smelly kid for that group project?  When you complained, she told you, “In the real world, you’re going to have to work with people you don’t like all the time!” 

This wisdom offered little consolation during the pioneer diorama catastrophe of ’95, and unfortunately, she was right.  When you work in a corporate office, it is likely that at least 65% of the people you collaborate with on a daily basis will irritate you to no end.

In the 5th grade, you did the whole project yourself, the smelly kid benefited from your A+ work, and then you went your separate ways.  In the real world, the smelly kid still takes credit for your efforts, but your relationship could potentially last the duration of your career with the company. 

As a result, you need to find a way to keep the smelly kid in check without ever explicitly telling him how strongly you dislike him.  There are many tools at your disposal, but this chapter focuses specifically on the Passive Aggressive Email. 

Step 1: Recognizing when a Passive Aggressive Email has been sent to you. 

Are you feeling infuriated by an email that doesn’t have any overtly offensive content?  You may have received a Passive Aggressive Email.  Still unsure?  The best method of analysis is pretending that half of the email was written in invisible ink.  Shine your black light and expose the hidden text. 

To: Marea Blue
From: Paul Douchestone
Subject: Quick Request (Psych!)

Hi Maria (I’m misspelling your first name because even though we’ve worked together for several years, you don’t matter),

Jake from Pokeland Soccer (who I’m going to pretend is not a condescending, computer illiterate asshole) is a little unhappy with his setup.  (I totally agreed with all of his irrational complaints without defending you whatsoever).  He mentioned something about a “smart” website that could referee matches via webcam?  (A feature I know we don’t offer but I promised him you would provide anyway).

Do you think you could give him a call and make sure he’s all squared away? (I know he is impossible to satisfy and you’ve already done your job, but I’m going push this off on you because I will get commission for this sale either way!)

Thanks a bunch (But not really because I have never showed the slightest bit of appreciation for what you do!),

Paul

Step 2: Restrain yourself from reacting like your 5th grade self.

Your first instinct may be to send an angry response sans invisible ink.  Don’t!  In 5th grade, the worst case scenario was that your scathing note to Paul may have been intercepted by the teacher.  In the corporate world, Paul will smugly add your email to the termination case file he’s begun to compile against you. 

To: Paul Douchestone
From: Marea Blue
Subject: Paul, you can go f yourself

Hey Paul,

Jake is not upset because of my failure to competently do my job.  Jake is upset because you told him our software would balance his checkbook while giving him hand jobs.  Also, he is a clerk at the Disney Store, and yelling at me as if I am his employee is the only thing that gives him a sense of empowerment.

Thanks for having my back…NOT!  Jessica Simpson with a Blackberry could do your job more effectively than you. 

You ruin my life and everyone hates you,

MAREA

Step 3: WIN…by sending a Passive Aggressive Email reply that is explicitly sweeter, but implicitly meaner. 

In the corporate world, openly expressing frustration gives the advantage to the smelly kid.  You don’t punch a bully in the mouth.  You make fun of him to his face using words outside of his vocabulary.

From: Marea Blue
To: Paul Douchestone
Cc: Paul’s manager; Your manager  
Bcc: Your work friends who also hate Paul
Subject: Re: Quick Request

Dear Pete,

Thanks for passing along Jake’s feedback!  I’m so sorry to hear that he hasn’t been satisfied with his setup experience so far.

I think Jake and I must have had a misunderstanding about the “smart” website.  If I had paid better attention to detail, I could have extracted meaning from the essay-length emails Jake sent me in rapid succession throughout the day.  I will give him a call and let him know that we are still unable to perform miracles, just to make sure we are all on the same page! 

Please give me a heads up if you plan on promising non-existent features to our clients in the future.  I will definitely take this into consideration when corresponding with them going forward!

Thanks for ALL that you do, Pete,

Marea

Chapter Summary

1) You didn’t escape the people who sucked in grade school.  They are now your co-workers.
2) Never say what you really mean.  In the office, feelings and genuine expression are for suckers.
3) The more people you copy on a Passive Aggressive Email, the bigger the BURN.
4) They can’t fire you if they can’t catch you.  Hide those feelings under a layer of sarcasm and cordiality so thin, only HR can’t see through it.