Dear Samsung Flip Phone,

I’m going to be frank – I’ve been unhappy for some time now.  It’s silly for me to hang around hoping you’ll change when you are just as unreliable and low-achieving as you were when we met four years ago.  One minute you’re fine, the next minute you’re going on about your low battery, unable to complete the simplest tasks.  I know it’s only a matter of time before you shut down completely, and I don’t want to be around for that.

You should know that I’ve been cheating on you with my work phone for months now.  It was never serious – just the occasional call or text – always when I was angry with you.  I know Blackberry is totally wrong for me, but sometimes it’s nice to be with a GROWN-UP phone – one that can satisfy my basic needs.  I’m not proud of it, but my willingness to be unfaithful was the first sign that something needed to change.

The bottom line is that I can’t be with a phone I’m ashamed of.  It bothers me when we’re at parties and everyone else displays their phones proudly – they’re all so attractive and have such interesting things to say!  My friends’ phones are good at directions, they take great pictures, they know a lot about music; you wear the same old, dented cover everywhere we go and sit there like a paperweight.  Remember that party when we actually used you as a paperweight?  I was so humiliated.

I know it shouldn’t matter what other people think, but if one more of my friends says, “Jesus Marea, you still have that thing?  It’s 2011!” I think I just might die.

I used to think your slim, basic look was SO attractive, but I was also really into playing Snake with my Nokia in 2002. As we grow up, sometimes we need to upgrade.

This is going to be hard for you to hear, but I’ve met someone else and I think I’m falling in love with her.  Her name is iPhone.  I know exactly what you’re thinking: “How original, Marea, to dump me for the hot, popular girl.”  It must seem like a slap in the face since we used to make fun of her together.  We were so smug, thinking we were content with our simple life, but I see now that I just didn’t know what I was missing.  And you can save your condescending words: “What are you going to do with apps Marea?  You stayed with me for 4 years because I have a working alarm clock and you already know where my buttons are.  You’re not smart enough for an iPhone!  You’re giving me up for a $200 digital game of Scrabble!”  Well people change, Samsung!  I’m ready to learn new tricks, and I have to believe that I deserve a phone like iPhone, even if you spent half of the last decade making me feel otherwise.

I’m sorry to be so harsh. It’s not fair to put this all on you when you have been unwaveringly loyal to me, even when I was abusive.  I’m sorry again about the time I threw you across the street when I was laid off via text.  I know you were just delivering the message and I totally took it out on you.  There was also the time I threw you at Kiki’s head at my birthday party.  That was so embarrassing for both of you.  It’s no excuse, but on both occasions I had been drinking heavily; I hope you know I would never soberly hurt you.

I thought I was laughing with you, but I was just being cruel.

Gosh, and then there was the time I forgot you on top of the Subaru and drove across town before I realized you were up there clinging to the rack.  You must have been so scared!  I have dropped you, spilled on you and lost you a hundred times throughout the duration of our relationship, and every time you’ve kept plugging along by my side.  I’ll never forget that, Samsung.  I know iPhone won’t put up with my shit like you did.  And it’s not right to say this to you, but I know I’ll miss you some day when she refuses to do something you ALWAYS let me do, like use her to prop up a table.

I think it would be best for both of us if you don’t call or text me.  I’d say don’t email, but we both know there’s no danger of that!  Sorry, that was a low blow.

I know you’ll find someone else.  Maybe someone’s three year old needs a cell phone to play with?  You know I’d recommend you in a heartbeat.  I just want you to be as happy as I am.

Without Regret,

Marea